I don't know where to go from here. I think all the time. Since that day.....that night.....all I do is think.....think & I listen.....I listen to what is being said to me & how it's said....then I think some more. I can't stop playing it over & over again.....I'm trying to make sense of it. Was I truly guilty all on my own....or....has it been twisted again to make me feel like it's 'me'. Am I horrible person? Do I give off a 'false' image to those that don't live with me....are not that close.....does my family really know the 'real' me....or is just the man I live with???
It was my birthday...well not really the day of my birthday but close to it. I was 'Pink Slipped'! No....I wasn't fired.....that would have been too kind. I was taken by Ambulance to the local hospital for an evaluation to see if I needed to be 'hospitalized' (placed in a psych ward-locked in) for being a danger to myself or someone else (my husband to be exact). If I didn't go voluntarily .....I was going to go by force....the local police would 'come back' (they had been there once already & talked with me but found 'no danger' & no charges were pressed) to take me in...probably in hand cuffs. Once at the hospital, I was told to take off 'all' my clothes (even my underwear) & given a gown to put on with some hospital non-skid socks. This was all done in the presence of the nurse....no privacy here. If I had to use the restroom....I was taken. My purse & all my belongings were taken from me (even my cell phone) & locked up in a locker. The only thing left for me that was truly mine was my shell of a body & my mind. I laid & listened for hours (seemed like an eternity really) to other 'humans' yell, scream they were being raped & they were going to blow the place up or 'fuck everyone up in the joint' & 'shut up, you're not doing your job right, they're too loud, I can't rest', etc. I had nothing to say. I had nothing to yell about. I had nobody to threaten. I wasn't mad or angry. I wasn't sad. I wasn't anything. I wasn't 'anything'. I didn't know how to feel or what I should be thinking. I was afraid to speak. I was afraid the words that would come out of my mouth would put me away. When asked about what brought me in....I wanted to say that it was a stupid question...but I didn't dare. It wasn't my idea.
There had been an argument ..... the police were called & I talked to them. I told them....all I wanted was to be left alone. That's it. I wanted to be left alone. Why did it start? I don't know. What was it about it? I don't know. I hadn't been feeling well. My illnesses....my not feeling 'well'.....is this in my 'head'.....how do I get it out...... Everyday.....it was an issue...the need for me to work. I couldn't take it anymore.....I wanted the words to stop! And it escalated from there.
I'm not allowed to be 'loud' like him. I'm not allowed to 'slam' things like him. I'm corrected about my driving (yet he offered to ride in the back seat). I'm told I walk in the way. I'm told I talk too loud. I'm told not to laugh 'loudly'. He doesn't like my singing....so I'm not Cher or Aretha Franklin, but it makes me feel good. I'm told I'm too old to be 'dancing' like a 20 year old....but I love to dance....I feel the music in my heart & my soul...it, too, makes me feel good. If I attempt to discuss these things....I'm reminded that it's not always about 'you' (meaning me). If I talk about my day....it doesn't seem like there is enough time. I'm expected to listen to every 'detail' & word for word conversations that went on all day in his....word for word.....how can a person recall a conversation with someone earlier in a daytime hour word for word??? I don't dare question it.
I'm confused anymore. What is Love?
I used to love kissing. I actually thought that maybe at one point in time, I was a pretty good kisser. I haven't kissed kissed in years....can you forget how to?? I feel more like I'm a 'fuck' partner than a ........ At one point in my life I used to enjoy 'making love'.....those days are gone. They've been gone. I can barely remember being made 'love' to or 'loving' someone with a gentle hand....taking all night to cuddle & hold each other.......
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