A shell of a person........

I don't know where to go from here.   I think all the time.   Since that day.....that night.....all I do is think.....think & I listen.....I listen to what is being said to me & how it's said....then I think some more.   I can't stop playing it over & over again.....I'm trying to make sense of it.   Was I truly guilty all on my own....or....has it been twisted again to make me feel like it's 'me'.    Am I horrible person?   Do I give off a 'false' image to those that don't live with me....are not that close.....does my family really know the 'real' me....or is just the man I live with???  

It was my birthday...well not really the day of my birthday but close to it.   I was 'Pink Slipped'!   No....I wasn't fired.....that would have been too kind.    I was taken by Ambulance to the local hospital for an evaluation to see if I needed to be 'hospitalized' (placed in a psych ward-locked in) for being a danger to myself or someone else (my husband to be exact).   If I didn't go voluntarily .....I was going to go by force....the local police would 'come back' (they had been there once already & talked with me but found 'no danger' & no charges were pressed) to take me in...probably in hand cuffs.   Once at the hospital, I was told to take off 'all' my clothes (even my underwear) & given a gown to put on with some hospital non-skid socks.   This was all done in the presence of the nurse....no privacy here.   If I had to use the restroom....I was taken.   My purse & all my belongings were taken from me (even my cell phone) & locked up in a locker.   The only thing left for me that was truly mine was my shell of a body & my mind.   I laid & listened for hours (seemed like an eternity really) to other 'humans' yell, scream they were being raped & they were going to blow the place up or 'fuck everyone up in the joint' & 'shut up, you're not doing your job right, they're too loud, I can't rest', etc.   I had nothing to say.   I had nothing to yell about.  I had nobody to threaten.   I wasn't mad or angry.  I wasn't sad.   I wasn't anything.   I wasn't 'anything'.   I didn't know how to feel or what I should be thinking.   I was afraid to speak.   I was afraid the words that would come out of my mouth would put me away.   When asked about what brought me in....I wanted to say that it was a stupid question...but I didn't dare.   It wasn't my idea.

There had been an argument ..... the police were called & I talked to them.  I told them....all I wanted was to be left alone.   That's it.   I wanted to be left alone.   Why did it start?   I don't know.   What was it about it?   I don't know.   I hadn't been feeling well.   My illnesses....my not feeling 'well'.....is this in my 'head'.....how do I get it out......    Everyday.....it was an issue...the need for me to work.   I couldn't take it anymore.....I wanted the words to stop!   And it escalated from there.

I'm not allowed to be 'loud' like him.   I'm not allowed to 'slam' things like him.   I'm corrected about my driving (yet he offered to ride in the back seat).   I'm told I walk in the way.   I'm told I talk too loud.   I'm told not to laugh 'loudly'.   He doesn't like my singing....so I'm not Cher or Aretha Franklin, but it makes me feel good.   I'm told I'm too old to be 'dancing' like a 20 year old....but I love to dance....I feel the music in my heart & my soul...it, too, makes me feel good.   If I attempt to discuss these things....I'm reminded that it's not always about 'you' (meaning me).  If I talk about my day....it doesn't seem like there is enough time.   I'm expected to listen to every 'detail' & word for word conversations that went on all day in his....word for word.....how can a person recall a conversation with someone earlier in a daytime hour word for word???   I don't dare question it.

I'm confused anymore.    What is Love?

I used to love kissing.   I actually thought that maybe at one point in time, I was a pretty good kisser.   I haven't kissed kissed in years....can you forget how to??     I feel more like I'm a 'fuck' partner than a ........   At one point in my life I used to enjoy 'making love'.....those days are gone.   They've been gone.   I can barely remember being made 'love' to or 'loving' someone with a gentle hand....taking all night to cuddle & hold each other.......

Depression is an ugly state of mind.....

It started with an argument.   One that has happened many times before.   He slams - I slam.  He yells - I yell.   The thing I learned ......I'm not allowed those same actions....those same emotions.   I lived with a man for 15 years as my husband who for many years....made me feel 'inferior'...not good enough...not smart enough....not attractive enough....not good enough.   Am I with another version of the same type of person??   I need to somehow figure this out.   Will it be through my own opinions...thoughts...day & night both.....or....will it be through the help of counsel?   I am so easily moved to the way & thinking of the other person...so easily persuaded that I'm wrong & they're right.   But....are we all not 'right' in our own thinking....our own emotions....is there a 'wrong' for me & only the 'right' for everyone else?   I keep hearing 'I'm entitled to....'   What does that mean...that I'm 'not' entitled?

'You need to be ready to go to the hospital.  The ambulance is on the way.'   What for?   Why am I going?   'You can either co-operate & go easy or I will call for further assistance.  You have no choice now.'   You're kidding me...right?   NOPE!   I'm 'allowed' to put on some clothes & go to the bathroom but I'm not allowed to close the door all the way.....in MY home.   My privacy was revoked!

The Paramedics were quite polite & nice actually.   We joked a little....told me I was permitted to deny certain treatment....the ride was long in my mind.   "I'll get a wheel chair".   'No...I think she's fine'.  Thank you.   'We're going back to 22.'   What the hell is '22'.   That's the room where you can be sealed off from the rest of the world.  It locks from the inside & the out.  You access through a pass code.   A gentleman to my left watches as I'm escorted through the door.  To my right there is a lady laying in bed.  In between ....it's where I was going to be spending God only knew how many hours.   The nurse is polite.   'Do you know why you're here?'    Ya...I guess.   Someone thought I was crazy enough to actually 'want or plan' to hurt my husband or myself.   So....I'm not 'stable'.  As I was told. 

'You need to remove all your clothes, bra & underwear as well & put this gown on.   Lab will come take some blood & we'll need a urine sample.  I'll take your Blood Pressure (yeah...205/105)'  stress ...maybe....wonder why.   So I'm followed to the bathroom...it's wonder they didn't follow me in....every single time.   Where was I going to go with no shoes & my bare ass flapping in the breeze?  I may be a lot of things but an exhibitionist I'm not.

Now...Sam on my right wanted to commit suicide & is a patient of the local Mental Institute, Barbara on my left...I have no idea.   Then we have a lady on the other side who is totally out of it I do believe or sleeps through everything.   The squad returns .....but only to be welcome by 5 security guards from the hospital & 2 local officers.   She is screaming to the top of lungs that she is being 'raped', she needs 'name I won't mention, they're all 'F'in Bitches....etc.  She's combative.   Time goes by...not sure how long because there is no clock to be seen in Sterile locked down 22.   Squad is returning....we have a male who is bleeding from his head.  Accompanied by 4 police officers & now we have extra medical personal (male nurses I suspect) & we have 6 security guards in the room.  He is also screaming F'in bitches...he's going to get them/us all.  He'll wake the whole place...he doesn't care...'don't touch me-I will 'F...u up'.   Barbara starts screaming to have him 'shut up' ....she doesn't need to hear his language or his mouth...lol..she's so right.  Then...she proceeds to tell the nice little nurse who is having a hard, busy night that she 'doesn't know how to do her job & she's giving her pointers'.

I felt really out of place there.   All I wanted earlier....was to be left alone in the bedroom of my own home....stop talking to me....stop asking me questions.....stop antagonizing me.....instead I have a complete stranger come into my home & tell me I'm not stable & she'll call for back up.   I answered her questions & answered them honestly.

So now....I will watch my words, my actions, my attitudes....because you never know when it's going to be taken the wrong way & another phone call will be made.   Then...on the other hand...if I'm quiet.....a phone call can be made & I'll be back in room 22

    I was 10 years old again.  I remember it was like yesterday as I walked across the big open field.   My flip flops sank with each step I took.  When I reached the bottom of the gully, the water, grass & clover hovered over & across my toes as if they wanted to take me down.   The mud below oozed between my toes.   The water was warm that I walked through being ever so careful not to splash so the backs of my calves would not look like a polka dotted painting on a canvas body.  It felt good to my feet & I for a second wished that I could just sit right there.
    I remember the storms of long ago that as a child I would huddle to my grandmother & bury my face in her shoulder...& she would always comfort me to tell me it was going to be 'ok'.   'Did you know that when you hear the Thunder that is merely God bowling with the Angels?' she would ask me.  'What about the bright lightening, Grandma' I would reply.   'Oh, that's nothin'....only God turning on the lights for Angel's to find their way ....someone must be lost'...she would tell me.   It all sounded so good & I wanted to believe that it was true...but God was sure scarey when he wanted to be.  Mother Nature had nothing on him I would think.
    The sky was turning darker & the clouds went from soft puffs of cotton to a gray blanket that wrinkled with each blowing wind.   For a while it seemed as if we were in the middle...our own little planet of sunshine.   Then it was as if God rolled over & pulled the gray blankets up closer to cover him.  
   The gentle rains kept the humidity at bay for awhile & again I felt like a child who really wanted to run with the neighboring children, tossing a beach ball in the air & catch a rain drop on the tip of my tongue.  Alas, I snapped quickly back to the present & tried to cover our belongings, hold up the tarp that would now divide our canopies while my husband fastened them up.  He's a genius in my eyes sometimes....thinking to bring along things that I would never imagine that would be needed.   How do men 'learn' to take care of those weaker & innocent than them?  My Grandfather was always prepared when we went camping for all kinds of weather.   I sat watching the rain, the people walking by, those taking shelter, pushing the water from tops of the neighboring canopies to release the sagging tarps, listening with one ear to the conversations & directions from my friends all the while listening with my other ear for the signs of Thunder that could roll in on a second notice.
   The bands continued to play.    The audience broke out their umbrellas & continued to sit on the hillside in the fold up canvas chairs or at the near by picnic tables... they were die hard....a little rain was not going to steer them back to their cars or campers.   It was like an 'old persons Woodstock Festival Country Style'.....I think Woodstock would have been the best place in the world to have gone when I was a young.   Where would I be today if I would have gone to Woodstock?   Was there anyone from where I lived that traveled by vans, cars, buses to Woodstock....I'll never know.
   The wind picked up from out of nowhere & I was that little girl coming out of the woods with my cousins in tow trying to make it back to the campers all safe & sound.   There was threatening weather coming our way.   We lay across the fold down bed, Grandma, Grandpa, Pierre & I....listening to scanners, the thunder, the cracks of lightening as it touched the ground, the near by lake.  It was a Tornado storm that was coming close.   I don't know who was shaking the most.   I wanted to cry I was so scared.  I had to be brave, I was older now....there was nobody bowling above us & no light switches being turned off & on anymore.  This was Mother Nature at her best...angry with the Earth I thought.     The band was trying to keep the stage from blowing over & the amps blew up....the show was now over.   There would be no more playing tonight.   The festival was over.   That quick the winds died back down, a small ray of evening sun tried to pop through the blanket of gray clouds.  I was back.   Back at being an adult, the one to make the final call to call it off.  It's time to pack up, get the tickets down to the stage, call off the winning number & then head out.
    On the way back up the hill, the water, grass & clover covered my toes as the mud oozed between my toes....I was 10 again for only a minute.