It started with an argument. One that has happened many times before. He slams - I slam. He yells - I yell. The thing I learned ......I'm not allowed those same actions....those same emotions. I lived with a man for 15 years as my husband who for many years....made me feel 'inferior'...not good enough...not smart enough....not attractive enough....not good enough. Am I with another version of the same type of person?? I need to somehow figure this out. Will it be through my own opinions...thoughts...day & night both.....or....will it be through the help of counsel? I am so easily moved to the way & thinking of the other person...so easily persuaded that I'm wrong & they're right. But....are we all not 'right' in our own thinking....our own emotions....is there a 'wrong' for me & only the 'right' for everyone else? I keep hearing 'I'm entitled to....' What does that mean...that I'm 'not' entitled?
'You need to be ready to go to the hospital. The ambulance is on the way.' What for? Why am I going? 'You can either co-operate & go easy or I will call for further assistance. You have no choice now.' You're kidding me...right? NOPE! I'm 'allowed' to put on some clothes & go to the bathroom but I'm not allowed to close the door all the way.....in MY home. My privacy was revoked!
The Paramedics were quite polite & nice actually. We joked a little....told me I was permitted to deny certain treatment....the ride was long in my mind. "I'll get a wheel chair". 'No...I think she's fine'. Thank you. 'We're going back to 22.' What the hell is '22'. That's the room where you can be sealed off from the rest of the world. It locks from the inside & the out. You access through a pass code. A gentleman to my left watches as I'm escorted through the door. To my right there is a lady laying in bed. In between ....it's where I was going to be spending God only knew how many hours. The nurse is polite. 'Do you know why you're here?' Ya...I guess. Someone thought I was crazy enough to actually 'want or plan' to hurt my husband or myself. So....I'm not 'stable'. As I was told.
'You need to remove all your clothes, bra & underwear as well & put this gown on. Lab will come take some blood & we'll need a urine sample. I'll take your Blood Pressure (yeah...205/105)' stress ...maybe....wonder why. So I'm followed to the bathroom...it's wonder they didn't follow me in....every single time. Where was I going to go with no shoes & my bare ass flapping in the breeze? I may be a lot of things but an exhibitionist I'm not.
Now...Sam on my right wanted to commit suicide & is a patient of the local Mental Institute, Barbara on my left...I have no idea. Then we have a lady on the other side who is totally out of it I do believe or sleeps through everything. The squad returns .....but only to be welcome by 5 security guards from the hospital & 2 local officers. She is screaming to the top of lungs that she is being 'raped', she needs 'name I won't mention, they're all 'F'in Bitches....etc. She's combative. Time goes by...not sure how long because there is no clock to be seen in Sterile locked down 22. Squad is returning....we have a male who is bleeding from his head. Accompanied by 4 police officers & now we have extra medical personal (male nurses I suspect) & we have 6 security guards in the room. He is also screaming F'in bitches...he's going to get them/us all. He'll wake the whole place...he doesn't care...'don't touch me-I will 'F...u up'. Barbara starts screaming to have him 'shut up' ....she doesn't need to hear his language or his mouth...lol..she's so right. Then...she proceeds to tell the nice little nurse who is having a hard, busy night that she 'doesn't know how to do her job & she's giving her pointers'.
I felt really out of place there. All I wanted earlier....was to be left alone in the bedroom of my own home....stop talking to me....stop asking me questions.....stop antagonizing me.....instead I have a complete stranger come into my home & tell me I'm not stable & she'll call for back up. I answered her questions & answered them honestly.
So now....I will watch my words, my actions, my attitudes....because you never know when it's going to be taken the wrong way & another phone call will be made. Then...on the other hand...if I'm quiet.....a phone call can be made & I'll be back in room 22
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